So we are a mere 10 hours or so from the draft and teams are all doing their best to create intrigue and not let anyone know their plans. That is every team other than the New York Giants who are telling everyone they’re fine with one more year of a decomposing Eli Manning throwing wounded ducks to the opposition and begging the refs to blow the whistle before he gets hit like Popke from the Texas State Armadillos.
Unfortunately for the Giants and their fans, Dave Gettleman is fine with this, and there’s a 40% chance he may actually try Scott Bakula at QB before drafting a new one. At least he traded OBJ for 20 cents on the dollar and didn’t offer the number 17 pick to Seattle for Frank Clark. If they get Clark, they can take a QB at 6 or trade down, get extra picks and still get a premier pass rusher(one who will be better than anyone they’re going to draft this season, since they are in win-now mode.) Maybe they’re tanking for Tua, which would be fine if they weren’t wasting what could be 1/2 to 1/3 of Saquon Barkley’s prime.
Enough about a team that has quietly become an NFL laughingstock here’s my mock draft:
1. Arizona Cardinals-Nick Bosa
Kyler Murray will be the best player from this draft, and they have already alienated Josh Rosen. Steve Keim is working on a masterful shitty GM run so not taking Murray and bringing back a disgruntled Rosen is totally the move for him. Adding Bosa will help the team lose 21-3 vs 35-3 most games, so guess it’s a sabremetric pick.
2. SF 49’ers Quinnen Williams
Adding him to a young and developing defensive line is the right move for SF with Bosa off the board. A trade down is possible if Murray is still on the board and a smart team wants to move up and grab him.
3. NY Jets Jonathan Allen
Who gives a shit?
4. Oakland Raiders Kyler Murray
This scenario scares me the most as a Giants fan. David Carr is the worst case scenario for a trade and is the exact type of stop-gap solution that Gettleman constantly seems to take. If they can convince Eli to ride off into the sunset and bring in Carr and his eyeliner I’m going to start following the Toronto Argonauts.
5. Tampa Bay Bucs   Devin White
Replacing one athletic linebacker who can’t diagnose plays or call a defense with another….cool. Doug Martin was the super hamster because the Bucs are stuck on a metaphorical hamster wheel as a franchise. At least their being led by W eater and Uber connoisseur Jameis Winston.
6. NY Giants  Ed Oliver
I can totally see them taking OT Jawaan Taylor here and further alienating their fanbase, but Oliver seems to be the consensus best available player. Maybe they’ll go linebacker and look at Devin Bush, or maybe Gettleman will trade the pick for Malik McDowell and Germaine Ifedi and say he got two first rounders back, the possibilities are endless.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars T.J. Hockenson
Building their offense around a middling QB, an injury prone RB, and alienating your best young defensive players? It’s a Tom Coughlin throwback team!! With Nick Foles playing Eli Manning, Leonard Fournette as a rich mans Brandon Jacobs, and just look at the back and forth between Coughlin and Ramsey. Taking a target for Foles to toss 10-yard outs to will totally help erase the memory of Big Play Blake.
8. Detroit Lions Rashaan Gary
Haloti Ngata retired, Ziggy Ansah is gone and someone has to try to play defense for these guys right?
9. Buffalo Bills Jawaan Taylor
If Josh Allen isn’t upright who will throw 50/50 balls 40 yards down the field? I still think they should have stuck with Nathan Peterson.
10. Denver Broncos Drew Lock
Paxton Lynch, Brock Osweiler, Trevor Siemian, Case Keenum….Lock is absolutely the next guy in that succession of sub-mediocre QB’s. When does John Elway start feeling the heat for wasting a great defense’s prime?
11. Cincinnati Bengals Rashaan Gary
The Red Rifle rides again and the Bengals will be without Vontaze Burfict which makes them 80% less crazy and 30% less effective. Gary is a solid pick to restock the coffers.
12. Green Bay Packers Noah Fant
Make the offense look a little better up until Rodgers gets his now annual season-altering injury. Maybe they should take Dwayne Haskins to play the 8 games Aaron Rodgers misses.
13. Miami Dolphins Cody Ford
I guess an offensive lineman is the least likely pick to get wins. This team is so obviously tanking their new coach is already pissed off about it. Can NFL trade picks for cash like the Phoenix Suns use to do all the time? Or draft players to stash in Europe…I think the Dolphins are going to take one of those options if available.
14. Atlanta Falcons Clelin Ferrell
They’re set up the middle so why not get an edge rusher to pair with the eminently blockable Vic Beasley? It doesn’t matter who they take Matt Ryan turned into Texans era Matt Schaub after blowing the Superbowl.
15. Washington Redskins Dwayne Haskins
Washington gets to take a QB who was so good he took a national championship contender and managed to lead them out of the playoff picture. Haskins is going to be the biggest bust in the draft, which makes him a perfect selection for Washington.
16. Carolina Panthers Devin Bush
Thomas Davis is aging and Luke Kuechly and his concussions are scary. The perfect player to slide in to replace them falls all the way to 16 and there is no giant unathletic receiver to tempt the Panthers.
- New York Giants Daniel Jones
Uggh…..I don’t want to do this anymore…